I was grabbing my keys to go out just like normal. I've done it hundreds of times without incident, but on this particular occasion, something out of sorts happened. My key chain fell off of my key ring.
Now, I'm sure that it has happened before. Several times, in fact. It only makes sense that every now and then, the metal would come a little bit loose and it would fall off of the chain. And each time, I'm pretty sure that I've just put it back on and gone about my business. But for some reason, this particular time, I put it off. I think at the time, I was on my way out the door and didn't really feel like being bothered with putting it back. Also, I told myself it was concern about breaking the metal by trying to bend it for the umpteenth time. And that did pop into my head. But then I had another thought, a different thought.
See, this particular loosening of said key chain occurred right during the first part of December, which just happens to be right around the time that my father passed away. And this particular key chain just happens to be one of the last things of his that I've held onto.
I can't properly explain how it happened. I was in his house sometime after he died. A week, a few weeks... I honestly don't remember. And there were probably a dozen things I could have taken or claimed (I honestly ponder why I left a few things unmoved, but whatever... I was a loss-stricken teenager, after all). But I remember this: a single, simple key chain. It was sitting on a back shelf or the corner of a table or somewhere.
I want to tell you that I put a lot of thought into it. That I had some strange epiphany about finding something to hang onto. And in truth, maybe I did. Maybe I did make some conscious decision to grab it because it represented something. It was a gift from his job. A symbol of a major accomplishment made by the organization that he had worked at for so many years. A silly little ornament, to be sure, but it seemed cool enough at the time. And, at the end of the day, it served a practical purpose: I did need a key chain.
So of all of the things that I could have claimed or taken possession of, I took a simple little key chain and pocketed it.
I don't think that it ever occurred to me that it would have any real significance beyond that until I had to change key rings. I remember at the time wondering if I should keep using it. Time had not been kind to it, and even though it was still solid, it had gotten cracked and worn over the years. I think maybe I always assumed that it would eventually fall apart. The base would crack, the metal inside would drop out, and that would be the end of it. Still, it wasn't particularly damaged, and I realized that I had put a certain sentimentality into keeping it.
And on thinking about it, I do remember the first time that it fell loose from my key ring. Because I had a similar thought about the metal possibly breaking if I put it back on and tried to squeeze it tighter. I also had a thought about leaving it be then. But I went ahead and put it back on. No point in rocking the boat, I imagined. And again, I had grown a little attached to it.
So I'm not completely sure why this time was so different except for the one detail: the timing. I had honestly spent some time pondering my father's death this year, much in part to it having been exactly 20 years ago. It seems like forever now, even though I can still remember every single detail if I really focus.
And maybe that's part of the point. While the memory and the loss are still there, they feel far more distant now. Like the kind of small print you have to squint to see on a bottle of old familiar pills. It's there, and it's important, but it's not necessary to check on it every day. Just often enough to make sure that it's still there and still the same.
And I'm not one for symbolism or messages from beyond - not always - but I couldn't shake this feeling that it was more than a coincidence. I had gone most of the day without really noticing that it was gone (why would I? it would normally be in my pocket anyway). So clearly, I wasn't that attached to it. At least not anymore anyway.
So after taking a day or so to mull it over, I decided to leave it be. It sits now on the corner of my entertainment center. If I get so inclined, I may move it to someplace more relevant or less cluttery. The thought of tossing it out has never once occurred to me, but at the same time, I'm not quite sure that it's important enough to store away as a cherished memento. I've never really been one for that. Perhaps it's served it's purpose, a simple little key chain that has gone on to retirement but not quite to a better place. Wherever key chains go.
As for me, life goes on. I want to tell you that it was part of some life altering experience, but really... it was just a thing. An odd sort of thing that, through opportunity and timing, made me think about some things I hadn't thought about in a while. Not that that's terribly good or bad, or terrible at all, really. Just a thing that happened.
Also, I might be on the lookout for a new key chain soon. Just putting that out there.
